Dealing with Grief INSIDE OUT

Holidays and special days have been really tough for me and today is one of those days. 

The past 6 months had been a blur. I am not really sure how I was able to go through with it but here I am still breathing. I am thankful for everyone who cried with me and had been checking on me from time to time. I appreciate you. 

It has been really hard but I am thankful for this special person who shared a secret with me. She said that when the time comes when I have more control over my grief, I will be able to talk to my mom and we will have the same conversation as when she was alive. There is no explanation for this but one will know when that happens. She is just waiting until I am ready. 

I have been praying for my Mama every night but honestly, I haven't really tried talking to her since the day she left. I don't have any good reason why but I guess I wasn't ready to accept that she is now in heaven. Perhaps my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that she is just on vacation that's why she's not at home. However, since it was her birthday today, I greeted her and talked to her for the first time. I am not sure if it was just my imagination but I felt her holding me again just like in this photo. I cried a river after... 

"Mama, thank you for loving me unconditionally. Your arms were always open when I needed a hug. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly.
 

You may not be here physically but I feel your love everyday and this is why I miss you more.  A lot of people have been telling me to stop crying because you won't be happy seeing me this way but I just really miss you. 

How I wish I was ordering your birthday cake and lechon today instead of the flowers and candles I bought for you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mama! 

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Dealing with grief has been a rollercoaster ride. There are days that you feel that you feeling a little bit okay and there are days that it slaps you hard that you are back on the bottom so low. 

We watched the movie INSIDE OUT 2 today and I am hoping that it can help me process my emotions since they have really been overwhelming. So far, here are my takeaways from the movie. 

1. Anxiety is there to protect ourselves but it can be destructive if not managed well. 

I know I have been anxious about losing my loved ones and it's actually starting to take a toll on our lives. This is something that I need to work on. 

2. The good and bad make who we are. We should never push back all the negative emotions and try to forget them. 

There are times that I have been in denial or I just want to forget everything that had happened but I know that there is a greater reason why we have to experience this. 

3. Despite what we go through, we should never lose ourselves. 

I have been starting to lose interest in the things I love. I  have been neglecting all my plans. It seems that nothing excites me anymore.  I realized that no matter how long it takes, I need to find myself again. 

4. When you are anxious about the future, think about the present. 

This one is self-explanatory but this reminds us not to let the fear of the future stop us from living at all. 

5. Happiness is a Choice. 

Remember the scene towards the end of the movie where gold particles were navigating towards Joy. That was Riley choosing to be happy. We have the choice to be happy despite all the problems, challenges, and pain that we have.

We owe it to ourselves and to our loved ones to try to live a good life and be happy.