Puppies, Death and Moving On

I have been a pet parent to Crumpy for 10 years. Having only one furbaby at home, I was not really concerned about having puppies until the time we rescued and adopted, Cheesecake. (See separate story about the rescue, here.)

Well, we really did not want another puppy since we all know that having one is a lifetime commitment however, we can't really stop the "uncontrollable" especially that we have one male and one female dog. (You know what I mean.) 

I just took note of the date when it happened so that at least if Cheesecake gets pregnant, I would know when to expect her delivery. Well, she really got pregnant and last March 5, 2016, was the big day. I was excited and scared at the same time. Cheesecake started panting and was very uneasy. She did not want to stay in the whelping box we prepared. (I guess it was my fault since we really did not train her to stay there and she's so used staying on the little bed we made for her inside our room.) I was so lost and have no idea what will happen. Val had to go to work so technically, I am the only adult or let's say human at home. I have been researching online on what to expect, dangers and what should I do in case of an emergency. I even contacted my cousin, Macil whose a doctor and my friend Jen who recently had a dog that gave birth. I was like a husband outside the delivery room -- excited, scared and helpless as I hear Cheesecake crying, panting while giving birth. 

She gave birth at exactly 12:36 AM. I wasn't sure if it's a boy or girl and was undecided with a name. We wanted it to start with the Letter C just like his parents, Crumpy and Cheesecake. I was so happy to see the little puppy beside Cheesecake though I won't be able to hold her yet. I was so contented watching her from afar. I did not sleep that night. I just wanted to make sure that they are both safe and okay. 

It is a wonderful feeling of seeing another bundle of joy coming into our life. Our family is getting bigger. I did not care about our plan not to have another dog anymore. More barks mean more fun. I was ready for another lifetime commitment to see those little toes grow, watch those little eyes open kiss that red nose (just like Crumpy's) and give this little furbaby a life that she deserves. 

Day 2 was as just as wonderful. I was very concerned about the welfare of Cheesecake. She was still heavily panting and I was so worried since I read stories about placenta did not go out or other pregnancy complications. Good thing, Cheesecake was eating and drinking well. We found out that furbaby was a girl yet still do not have a name. We decided to call her "Baby" for the time being. She was okay and got all the attention of Cheesecake since there are no other puppies. We moved them to the living room since it was warmer. Unfortunately, Cheesecake was crying all night since she was not used to sleeping away from us. We all decided to sleep downstairs instead and slept together. This is what Ohana is all about. Well, I was not really able to sleep well. A little bit of sound and I would wake up immediately. I was just so worried and scared. 

Then the worst thing happened, it was the afternoon of March 7 when we lost "Baby" It was only a few hours that I was not really paying attention since I had to work. I work from home but had to send out some emails for a client so I stayed inside the room leaving them outside. Perhaps it was after 2 hours that I was not able to check on them when I saw "Baby" lifeless. I was shouting and crying at the same time. I did not know what to do during emergency situations. I did not know what was wrong but I lost our little furbaby. 

It was painful. When you treat someone as your family, it would not matter how long you had each other. She was able to capture my heart immediately. I cried and cried. No matter how painful it is, I realized that you still have to do what you have to do. I looked for a box where we can place her. I made a little bed inside the box and placed her there like a little angel sleeping. However, I asked Val to close the box because I can't do it myself. We decided to bury her in the garden the same night. Lit a candle, placed some flowers and offered her a prayer. 

I was lost. It was heartbreaking. Val had to work that night. I had to deal this on my own. There was a feeling of guilt. I felt I did not do enough for her. I was thinking of what I have done wrong. Tears were just overflowing. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. 

Whenever I think of her, I still cry. They say that crying is part of moving on and moving on is not about forgetting. It is all about acceptance of what happened while keeping the memories inside your heart. 

I am writing this since it's been a month since we lost her. In memory of my little furbaby, please remember that you will always be loved. Have fun in the rainbow bridge.